I just had such an uplifting conversation with Mom. She’s seeing my heart… light and happy again.
And it really is. I. Really. Am. Happy.
I didn’t feel this way this past summer. I had some of the worst days of my life, all while trying to be everything I could for my children, yet feeling like I was failing everywhere I looked.
I was in a dark place, and I didn’t know why I was there or how to get out. The worst part about it, was that no one really knew. It was easy to just distance myself from mostly everyone, and that only made it worse. I was ashamed of the person that was showing up to raise my kids everyday. I was ugly and I felt rage like never before in my life. It was confusing, it was heartbreaking, and it took a toll everywhere.
One day my husband called me out on it. It was like he put a mirror to my face and showed every ugly part of me to myself. I hated that reflection. Not even because of how ugly it was, but because it truly was not me! It was not me.
So, I was forced to look for answers. I got recommendations to take depression medication, birth control to regulate my hormones and different supplements to try. While there is nothing wrong with those suggestions, they just weren’t for me.
I decided I needed to look within. I started writing again, releasing… and connecting with my Mom. It has taken me months, but today I can honestly say I feel life myself again. I feel happy. I look forward to my days and those days are filed with a grateful heart, a loving Mother to my children, laughter and pure joy.
If you are suffering from postpartum, (even months and months after giving birth, like me) please know you are not alone. If you are going through a dark time, I hope this post allows you to see a possible way out that maybe wasn’t suggested to you. For when you truly look within, often the answers are right before you. And your loved ones are right beside you, both on Earth and in spirit, ready to pull you out.
I am incredibly grateful to my sister who reminded me everyday of who I was, and that no part of me was a failure.
To my husband who showed me that mirror, but never stopped loving me. Then allowed me the space and time to figure things out in my own way.
And I am grateful to my Mom, who kept calling to my heart… until one day I finally answered. She then guided me back with the most delicate and accepting love that only a Mother can possess.
